Easter morning.  It’s cold and blustery.  The river is the flat silver of a well worn nickel and the clouds and moisture—both falling, and rising from the river casts a soft, velvet patina across it all.  The mist seems ephemeral rising to return to the ash white, quick moving clouds in the arc of the sky above me, and its gentle, muted beauty causes me to weep.

Yet in the next breath, all is changing.  The mist rises in the wind to join the clouds, and all the trees, in early morning sunlight, shimmer with the life that rushes hotly deep inside them—bursting forth with vibrant, glistening, fragrant blooms, and glossy leaves, yet each leaf waits breathlessly, for the perfect moment in which to unfurl. 

We are like the buds and leaves in that we are each shaped by the events that occur in the moment-to-moment living of our lives.

But unlike the buds and leaves, which are bound by the laws of nature and the ever changing climate and the physical environment that shapes their lives, we can choose how we respond to both the events that occur around us, and those that take place within the emotional climate of our lives, as they are truly lived, in the moment-to-moment, always fluid, “now”.

What those changes are, and how they both affect and effect our lives is entirely up to us.

PTSD and, for me, bi-polarity drove both Greg and I to destroy so many relationships, and entire lives before we met.  When we met, we didn’t know what we were going to do in our relationship, but after a combined total of over a century of lifetime experiences that all led to ruin, we decided that it hadn’t worked, so started out from scratch to reinvent our “selves”.

Whew … what a journey it’s been; but it’s been worth everything step, because we’ve finally realized that the past is but a memory—tomorrow is but a dream, but right now, in this ever evolving moment of now, is reality.

And once we realize the power of choice we can transform our very reality into anything we want it to be.

Boy, Howdy!  When I said that we’d be processing the impact of our five day immersion into PTSD, I wasn’t just bumpin’ my gums: What an amazing group of people they were!  I came home with a profound respect for each of them, and I feel honored to have been a part of such a unique and necessary experience.  I’m also delighted that some of the people we met at "camp"   have been up to see us—we who stay bunkered on our bluff with no company for six months at a time!       

For the entire five days we were cut off from the outside world:  No phones, no TV or radio, no clocks, and the cell phone stayed off.  But that's not much different from the way we live our lives anyway--we call it running on Indian Time--everything eventually gets taken care of ... or not!   

What was really cool was getting awakened each morning by Jacob and his malodious sax--we darn sure don't have that at home!  That was the cue that breakfast was ready and the day was calling us.   We were, for three full days held in an almost constant state PTSD through drumming and singing and the sharing of stories.

The retreat was funded by the Mosaic Multi-Cultural Foundation and was facilitated by Michael Meade and Jacob Lakatua, who did a wonderful job of rounding us up

Poet, Author—Master Storyteller extraordinaire, Michael Meade recognizes the desperate lack in the lives of the Peoples today to reconnect with the sacred—to find balance in and beauty in the natural cycles of life and the rites of passage of both our youth and our ageing, into roles that serve the Peoples of this Planet, Earth.  People yern for hope and purpose, and yet everywhere we look we see desolation, ruin and destruction and all the while our Spirits long for something greater than our "selves" to believe in ... and in the process we often find that our own rythm 

resonates with the thrumbing of life. 

In Meade’s book, The Water of Life: Initiation and The Tempering of the Soul he says that “A culture dies when its dream becomes lost, when the march of history crushes its dream in the dust of time.” 

In today’s culture we’ve turned our backs on the myths and legends which helped sustain and bind People together in the past.  We’ve cast our children into a world without reasons and abandoned them to their own devices.

At the same time we’ve doomed our “olders”—those who have aged, but not earned the wisdom necessary to fulfill the role of Elders—those who remember the old stories and Dreams—those who guide those who seek and the live to pass on the culture which sustained a People when times are lean--they carry the memory of how things were done in ancient times before our world began drifting into a Spiritual and cultural wastelands.

As Mr. Meade so eloquently and concisely stated, many have lost both the Dream and the Dreamers within us, as well as within our cultures, and without either, our “selves” and our People are doomed. 

Just before I left California in 2001 I had arrived at a point where all my dreams had turned to dust and I longed for death.  It wasn’t until I moved up here that I began to hope again and began to Dream a new way to live:  A way largely devoid of either trauma or drama and loss.  Out in the world however, it’s another story.

The entire world is living under the burden of the “Uncertainty Principal” as people the world over live out their lives wonder if we really are teetering on the edge of world-wide destruction, and the media, as well as various prophecies bombard us—young and old with images and dire warnings of a coming doom.

Michael Meade also works with troubled inner-city youth, and he's right, throughout human history it has traditionally been the youth who have carried the “unfolding dream of life”, and more and more young people are becoming increasingly hopeless and disillusioned. 

In his book, The World Behind The World, Meade speaks about how “startling it is to hear young people wondering whether the world will wait for them to find their way into it.”  He rightfully asks “what story are we in when those carrying the dream of life increasingly find themselves near the doors of death”?

From almost the moment I cracked the covers on either of his books, the obvious truths in his words and resonated with that which I recognize as the truth at the core of my “self”, and made sense.   

Take the way we treat our returning Veteran’s as a case in point.  For years I’ve been saying that in the old times, when a village’s Warriors returned from battle they went through a moon of cleansing and fasting and healing before they returned to the village.  When Warriors do not shed the blood and the horrors of war before coming home, there is often chaos.

It just makes sense: the things we do in war when our blood and rage boils in our veins and we are propelled into action are often unthinkable to the person we’d been before going to war. 

It is at that precise moment when everything one has known about the world flips and our realities shift with it and our selves splinter.  The ancients knew that if a warrior can’t reconcile their splintered selves and can’t fit into their own skin, how the hell are they supposed to fit back into their previous roles and relationships?

We still have a need for ritual in our lives.  Modern humankind has done away with many of the rites of passage, and without passage, a People fail to grow. 

There need to be more “retreats” for wounded warriors like the one we went to on the 7^th.  Every single one of the people involved were amazing … and their stories both tragic and heartbreaking.  I felt so honored to be there to share that experience. 

On the 11^th—Veteran’s Day, we flocked to the Unitarian Church in Portland where we presented the powerful poetry which was written up on the mountain, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that by the end of the reading there was neither a dry eye nor an untouched heart in the house.  Several times during the event the audience rose in spontaneous ovation, and I know two things for sure; there is a desperate need for more of these events—and not one of us left the experience unchanged.

So if you get a chance, stop by the Foundation’s website, and if you need somewhere to gift this tax period, keep them in mind!

http://www.mosaicvoices.org/index.cfm

O-o-kay … so, if nothing else, I think I’ve established the fact that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) begins at the physiological/biophysical  level as a result of experiencing a severe trauma.  But what IS PTSD, and how can I tell if I (or someone I care about) have it?

PTSD is not like the flu.  You can’t simply say, “I’ve got a fever, diarrhea, vomiting and a cold, and my whole body feels like I got mistaken for a hockey puck at the end of a hot game”.  If you have those symptoms, and are sure it’s not food poisoning, save the money for the doctor’s visit—there’s a real good chance that you have the flu.

So much about PTSD is experientially based: you take ten people who have PTSD and you’re going to have ten different answers to the question, “What is it like to have PTSD?”   A lot of what those ten people feel depends on several factors, like, what kind of a traumatic experience initiated the PTSD responses?  How long has each person had PTSD, and where they are “at” in the disorder, because the disorder is cumulative—the longer one has PTSD, the more it tends to affect their lives.  However…

There are some “symptoms” that most of us share and I guess that’s where we should begin. 

First, a person has to have had an experience (or series of events) sufficiently traumatic to cause the disorder.  It does not have to be a single event—in fact new research indicates that the more traumatic and chaotic one’s life is—especially during childhood, the more likely a person is to have or develop PTSD.  Diagnosis is also hampered because in most cases people who have it don’t really begin to be socially/emotionally/financially crippled by the disorder for several years.

And that’s one of the major problems.  By the time we get to the point that something is drastically wrong with us, most of us have caused more ruin in our lives and the lives of the people around us than a tsunami.  It is my hope that blogs like this one will help people to seek help before that happens.

So-o-o, without further ado (or doggie do!), here are some of the symptoms that someone with PTSD may develop/experience.  The more symptoms you have, the more likely it is that you have PTSD.  I’m sure I’m missing some, but the following symptoms are ones that both Greg and I have (and do) experienced.

Please, if you see yourself repeated reflected in these symptoms, seek professional help before you hurt yourself, your family and your friends any more than you already have. 

Some of these symptoms may appear to be contradictory, but believe me; it really is possible to be both loud and obnoxious and sullen and withdrawn or fearless and terrified at the same time.  Others may appear to be part of other disorders—like sadness, withdrawal, purposelessness, and lack of interest in things formally pleasurable are all symptoms of depression, but in PTSD, each “symptom” I list can occur with or without other symptoms.

PTSD and Symptoms that Greg and I have personally experienced:

1.     Shame and denial because we don’t want to accept or acknowledge that we have a “mental illness”.

2.     Depression.

3.     Deep sadness.

4.     Lack of interest in things that you used to find pleasurable.

5.     Isolationism: people with PTSD tend to be  loners—we have a tendency to isolate ourselves from others both physically and emotionally, and usually become withdrawn, often to an extreme degree.

6.     Emotionally unavailable: one of the ways most of us survive is by shutting down emotionally.  If we didn’t we would (and do) PTSD all over ourselves and everyone else within range.  This emotional survival tool is not only emotionally experienced but is, as PTSD itself, supported by the hormonal changes induced by the PTSD when stress induced hormones shut or slow the production of hormones normally channeled to the sex drive, emotional availability and other things our autonomic nervous systems deems unnecessary for survival.

7.     Little or no emotional (or often physical—as in food/shelter/clothes etc.) support group.  No one who understands and knows how to help defuse PTSD episodes or periods.  This is often a result of either us pushing our families and friends or a product of ignorance on the part of both the person with PTSD and/or ignorance and avoidance of the issue on the part of some or all of the parties involved.

8.     A sense of belonging—a sense of both mutual acceptance and shared denial—a feeling of brotherhood or sisterhood where we feel we can let go and still be accepted and understood experienced only around others who belong to our “band of brothers”.

9.     The sense of emptiness and personal detachment.

10.  A strong need to feel that we’re in control at all times.

11.  We are almost always hyper-aware—hyper-vigilant, especially when we’re out “in the world”.  We frequently scan our field of vision and are aware of any change, even a leaf dropping from a tree or a bug jumping in the grass; our hearing is also focused to hear everything within range; our sense of smell heightened.  All of our senses are on high alert almost all the time.

12.  We hate (and often fear) change of any kind, even if it the change is something we want and initiated.

13.  We are likely to have: panic attacks

14.  Agoraphobia—a fear of being in the open or in a crowd or public place. 

15.  We are also likely to strategically position our persons in a defensively advantageous position wherever we are, but especially when we’re out.  We sit with our back to a wall, preferably in a corner where we can see and can react to everything that happens around us.

16.  “Paranoia”.  People with PTSD, especially Combat Veterans and Cops, but a lot of the rest of us too, feel the need to have and/or carry weapons or at least have them available.

17.  Homicidal thoughts.

18.  Survivors’ Guilt: Combat Vets, Cops, Firefighters and folks like that who know death and destruction up close and personal are especially likely to have survivors’ guilt if they develop PTSD.  They feel guilty for living when others didn’t make it: they feel guilty if they feel that they failed in the line of duty at the cost of someone else.  They sometimes feel almost cursed because they DID survive and the crap just won’t stop flowing in their lives.

19.  People with PTSD are also likely to be excessively concerned with security, often checking and rechecking to make sure that all the doors and windows are locked and the house secure even though we just checked them.

20.  We are also more likely than most folks to believe that the world’s fixin’ to go tits up.  Because of that we are also likely to have the supplies, knowledge and/or training one would need when that happens.  (Note: The use of “when”, not “if” the world goes tits up was intentional. 

21.  We often have: anger management problems and frequently tend to be very volatile and explosive People with PTSD often have suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

22.  Problems with authority;

23.  Frequent job changes;

24.  Difficulty maintain relationships—especially long term;

25.  High divorce rates—relational instability;

26.  Large number of sexual partners and experience;

27.  We do not play well with others: disagreements become confrontations which can explode into physical violence in a heart beat.

28.  We are very likely to be emotionally and physically abusive throughout our lives.  We don’t mean to be; we hate ourselves for it when we are, but with unchecked PTSD, it’s a given.  So is damaged spouses and children.

29.  There is also a very high rate of alcohol and drug abuse among those of us with PTSD.

30.  We are the poster children of AVOIDANCE.  We are, in the ways that matter (as well as in the ways which don’t), often great procrastinators.  We also avoid thinking about things like thinking things through before we do them, and being aware of how our actions affect those around us, or when it comes to thinking about … anything.  That’s why we so often become addicts—there are times—too many of them probably, when we are aware of the damage we’re doing, and unable to stop.  We want, if even for just a while, to be high enough and ride the hormonal rush far enough and fast enough that we don’t feel … anything.

31.  People with PTSD are often also impulsive.  We often take unnecessary risks and place ourselves in dangerous situations.  It’s almost as if we are daring fate—as if we hope that we’ll finally go too far. ...

32.   People who have unchecked PTSD are often unreliably unreliable.  Things can be going on along just fine and then without warning, they disappear or don’t show up, or leave the kids with a neighbor and go out and get bombed, or pick a fight or quit a job.

33.  Sleep disorders: PTSD survivors are likely have sleep disorders range from sleeping too much to insomnia. 

34.  We are also likely to experience hideous nightmares and terrors, frequent cycling dreams that we will wake from in a start, get up, walk around, use the bathroom—whatever, and then drop right back into as soon as our eyes close.

35.  Profound night sweats that leave us (and our jammies, bedding and pillows) coated with a thick, oily cold sweat that smells like fear.  This can be so bad at times that I’m afraid to go to sleep.

36.  We are also likely to wake up swinging if someone wakes us up abruptly.

37.                         Flashbacks.  These can run the gambit from short little bursts that come and go with the rapidity of synapses firing, to complete and total immersion into the flashback, where one sees what one saw then, smells what one would smell if one were really there, fears as though one were actually still in the moment of original terror.  A couple of years ago Greg and I went to the local mall (I think I’ve been to a mall maybe four times in the six years I’ve been living in Oregon) to have a bit of engraving done on an award, and the second I saw the engraver (machine), I felt myself being pulled out of myself and into the past.  Suddenly I saw green walls and my “dad” at his huge engraver, the smell of burning cork filled the air and for what felt like forever but was probably a matter of seconds I teetered there, frozen in time between the world of here and now and the world of then and there.  The really bad flashbacks are much, much, much more intense and debilitating … I really don’t want to talk about those …

38.                         We are also more likely to experience fugue-like states where it feels like nothing is real, including oneself.

39.                         People with PTSD are also likely to have or develop tunnel vision: we live so much of our lives in our heads, trying to deal with the mess there, that we often don’t see or want accept how our actions impact those around us.  It’s too often all about me—how I feel, and think and respond.  Too often we just say, “Screw it—I’ll just get the hell out of your life then,” and walk away.

40.                         We are also likely to become bitter and disgusted—more with ourselves than with anyone else, though I seriously doubt that those around us feel that way.  We are also often overly critical—of both ourselves and everyone/everything else.

41.                         Researchers are now finding out that people with PTSD are more likely than “normal” people to develop diabetes, heart disease, heart attacks, high blood pressure, strokes and a host of other “physical” problems.

42.                         People with PTSD often do so much damage to themselves and those around them that our spouses and children develop secondary PTSD.

Well, I think I’ve hit most of the biggies on this list of PTSD symptoms, but 42 is a nice round number (it isn’t?) and I’m plum tuckered out.

The real damage from PTSD is cumulative—the longer you go without help, the worse it’s likely to get—for both you and your family.  Please, if you see yourself (or someone else) in more than a few of these symptoms, seek professional help—the sooner, the better. 

Next time we’ll talk about anchors and triggers and ways we can change our lives and stop living so much of our lives in the emotional mine-field of unchecked PTSD.

So … I bet everyone is going, “Enough with the hormonal crap already! What is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) really about?” 

I hope to begin answering that question in a few minutes, but first (yeah, you guessed), let me just say it again in case you missed it:  The amygdala, at the base of the brain stem, is a center for processing emotions, the hippocampus, and other cerebral structures that are centralized there is where PTSD begins, and until we accept the fact that PTSD and several other “mental illnesses” begin with the hormonal soup that is produced via the brain during times of great danger, in other words, it is just as “organic” and just as “real” and life altering as cancer or diabetes or hyper/hypothyroidism … or TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) or Phantom Limb.

And if we gloss over the fact that PTSD begins as an automatic chemical reaction programmed into our DNA at the molecular level to maximize our chances of surviving a “real” (or perceived as real) threat to our psyche and/or our physical selves, we might as well give up understanding PTSD altogether, because what happens with PTSD is that this reflexive change in brain and body chemistry gets stuck on high gear instead of returning to normal once the threat is past as it does in a normally functioning human being.  That means that our “normal”  metabolic rate gets STUCK in high gear and stays that way. 

We begin each day with a mega-load of stress hormones coursing through our bodies even while we sleep, and each stressful, frustrating or infuriating event that we face each day raises the levels of these stress induced hormones. 

Each minute we're running late revs up the ol' hormonal engine a few notches.  And each disagreement--however small; each time we can't find our keys; each time ... well, I'm sure you get the picture, stack one upon another upon another until our emotional and physiological are reved up all the way into the red zone on our hormonal tachometer--eventually running full out on the rim of the wastelands and we spiral into the abyss, we pull everyone in our lives down with us when we finally crash and burn.  

Think back to the last time you had (or came really close to having) a serious car wreck, or got into a hellacious disagreement, or had someone mug or rob you or beat you up.

Remember how your stomach dropped?  Remember how your breaths came in gasps?  Remember how quickly your mind rushed, or how your hands (or whole body) quaked and how clearly you saw … everything?  That’s normal.  What’s NOT normal is feeling that way all the time, day or night, sleeping or awake.  And there’s not a damned thing we can do about it.

Or is there? 

So What is PTSD, and Why Do Some People Get It and Others Don’t?

No one knows why one person who experiences a traumatic event will develop PTSD and the person next to him who experienced essentially the same event, won’t. 

Recent studies indicate that people who had chaotic, traumatic or abusive childhoods are more likely to develop PTSD when faced with another traumatic event.  Other studies indicate that it is the degree to which an individual internalizes the events that happen during a traumatic event.  Other studies indicate that the way a person perceives the event may have a lot to do with why one person will develop PTSD and another will not.  Still other studies (just google PTSD in any area you want to research and there ya go) will say something else. 

I drew the rest of this post from a previous post, but It provides the physiological components that prove that PTSD affects every aspect of a person--all the way down to our DNA.

According to the Encarta Dictionary (English, North American), the autonomic nervous system in humans and other vertebrates is “the part of the nervous system that controls involuntary activity, for example, the action of the heart and glands, breathing, digestive processes, and reflex actions.”  So crucial to survival are these actions and processes that they are hard-wired into our DNA.

When a person is, or perceives themselves to be in grave danger from an external threat of death or serious injury, the autonomic nervous system responds by triggering the sympathetic nervous system—those nerve cells involved in response to stress or danger, to flood the body with two types of stress hormones to kick the body into over-drive.  The first class of hormones includes epinephrine (adrenaline) and norepinesphrine.  The other class of hormones is the glucocorticoids which are also secreted by the adrenal gland. 

These hormones cause physiological changes in the body which increase the person’s chances of survival by preparing it to, depending on the situation, either stand and fight, or run like hell.  Hence the nickname, “the fight or flight response.”

When faced with a serious threat to life—“real” or imagined, the autonomic nervous system triggers the release of adrenaline and norepinesphrine which kicks the nervous system into over-drive, causing the body to move and draw on energy stored in fat and muscle tissue throughout the body to fuel whichever action (fight or flight) is called for. 

At the same time, the glucocorticoids trigger the release of stored glucose and the simplest forms of proteins and fats from our fat cells, muscles and liver, which provide whichever muscles are needed to save our bacon with enough energy to do so by a dramatically increasing blood pressure, heart rate and respiration in order to supply the increased need for nutrients and oxygen needed to increase the person’s chances of survival.

While all these changes are taking place, digestion and the normal renewal of the body’s energy storehouse, are inhibited.  The sex, drive in both males and females, also decreases, and growth and the immune system are inhibited as well.

There are also perceptual changes that occur when one is in “fight or flight” mode.  Senses in general are heightened—ears strain to hear every sound; every muscle is poisedon the verge of action; the individual becomes hyperaware of every nuance of danger, their whole being becomes focused on staying alive.  At the same time, the individual’s perception of pain is often blunted, which allows them, even when seriously wounded, to do what they need to do in the face of grave physical or psychological danger.

In most cases a person’s physiological and cognitive processes return to normal after the danger passes, but in cases where the stressors, whether physical or psychological, are chronic—when they occur again and again over an extended period of time, or when the causal event is especially devastating to an individual, the result is often PTSD.

Okay, so that’s the nuts and bolts of PTSD.  Next time we’ll begin looking at PTSD from the inside out: what it feels like to live with PTSD and how it affects the person who has it and how it affects those around them.

Until next time, be good to yourself and those around you.  It's a beautiful world out there.

So many things to write about ... so long since I've written much of anything, including here.  Sometimes I beat myself up because I sincerely want to show people who suffer from depression, PTSD, TBI, bi-polarity and a wide range of other disorders both mental and physical, that there is a way to live a joyous, fulfilling, and successful life.  I know we can--I'm doing it; moment to moment, day by day, and so is Greg.

But I'm just winging it.  I'm just stumbling along, trying to figure things out as I go, and sometimes it feels like I tripped over a rock on the top of a hill and I'm wind-milling like crazy to keep from going ass over tea-kettle.  I can't count the number of times that I've started a blog and then got so irritated over failing to edit a post before I've posted that I deleted the whole darned thing. 

Other times I post them anyway because I know that's the only way it’s gonna  happen.  Today is probably going to be one of those days because I'm experiencing a strong need to go outside and pull up the spent tomatoes.  Or wash the windows, or clean the toilets  or ... I'm sure you get the idea    I find that sometimes I'm willing to do almost anything to keep from writing!

So I'm just going to write on, errors--grammatical, political or otherwise, be damned!  Most of my problems would be solved if I worked in "WORD", but it seems like whenever I start there, I seldom get to the "Publish entry" part of the blogging experience!  So, here goes. 

Back To Basics: (Three Days Later, ROFLMBO  )

Note: you don’t have to be a combat vet to have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  But more on that later.

One of the reasons I began this blog was because I believed I could find a way to live a joyous life despite my mental health issues, and I believed that others might benefit from my stumbling around in the dark and maybe leave behind a bit of map and a flashlight for those who visit this blog.   

I wanted to educate people about PTSD—to help both those who have it and those who love someone who has PTSD, or whose life has been altered by someone who has PTSD.  There are things we can all do to diffuse the damage done by PTSD.

I also wanted to provide some of the tools that have been helpful to me as I’ve gone along.  We can learn to avoid large scale destruction and pain in our lives. 

Often returning Vets often won’t know for years whether or not they have or will develop PTSD.  No one wants to accept that they are “mentally ill”. 

These past several weeks been a time of unfurling and growth within our family…and change—lots of changes. 

My youngest came up for a short time around the end of April, first of March; Then my second child, Gypsy Princess went down to California for an extended stay with the rest of our extended (and scattered) family.

Then a couple of weeks before GP came home my oldest grandchild came up for an extended stay (you probably saw that one coming, lol)…five days before Greg’s birthday.  Then Greg went to the East Coast for a couple of weeks—he just got home last Monday.  That’s by far the longest time we’ve been apart since the day we met.  I think the longest we’ve been apart in almost six years was maybe four days.  But I think it a good thing, this apartness—especially now that he’s safely home!  I’m not saying that I want it to happen again any time soon—but it changed our perceptions of both ourselves and each other, and with each passing hour I feel so incredibly blessed to have this incredible man—these incredible people, in my life.

I think back on Greg’s syncope episode and his near death a year ago in April and I remember wondering then how I could possibly go on if Greg were to die.  The very thought of losing him rendered my soul.  

But I’ve learned that then, even then, I can--we can--we must, even then, continue to...continue to follow Him when the path is dark and dangerous.  .  It is all good and fine to trust Grandfather to keep us through those easy days, but it is another thing entirely to so when you're little more than not, at that time even feel, or sense, it requires thwe can, in faith. and take that step into nothingness where there is no ledge to find purchase for my feet in the swirling mist.  

It was during his two weeks in Baltimore that I discovered that even if he dies before I do, the love I have for him will keep me for the rest of my life.  And it’s the same for the rest of our little “katet” (see Steven King’s series  That’s the thing—this made up word more closely approaches explaining the relational “hub” that is our sanctuary).

Now that things have begun to settle down some, we’re each beginning to find our roles within our recently reconfigured household.  I’m really enjoying this time with my granddaughter.  She and her siblings spent most of their first six years with me so we had a solid relationship based in the past to build on and she still holds me in respect.  For my part, I’ve seen little of the out-of-control, way too fast, rebellious teen that everyone had told me to expect.

When she was still back in California I told her that I was not going to judge her on what “everyone” else had said.  I’ve been mostly out of her life for six-and-a-half years, and she doesn’t know the “me” I am now, and I don’t know the girl that she has become, so as far as I’m concerned, we’re both starting with a clean slate.

It is what we choose to do in the present that will define the scope of our relationship from now on.  And so far, what I’ve seen most of is an insecure, lonely, young girl who is crying out for love.

Why is it that we don’t talk to our children as they grow?  When they are newborns, and babies, and if they are fortunate enough to have a live-in mom, well into toddler-hood and beyond, we talk to them incessantly.  We spend hours and days, weeks in actuality—even when they are asleep, staring into their eyes and their faces, oooh and awing over every thing they do.  All those cute little expressions, we never tire of watching them change, and grow, and then, just about the time they really get a handle on speech, we stop talking to them!

They all too quickly go from being the very center of our universe to yet another series of tasks that must be dealt with in a world with far too little time.

In the past, kids learned from their parents and ken.  Kids didn’t have (or need) a thousand dollars worth of electronic equipment to keep them out of their parents hair.  They worked along side their parents, learning how to think and do at the same time.  By the time kids grew up they knew how to do most everything their parents did, and learned critical thinking skills as they went along. 

We’ve neglected to teach our children how to think; how to solve problems, find solutions, and how to find the information to do what needs to be done.  I recently had the opportunity of watching my landlord and his ten year old son tear up the drain field for the septic system and lay out a new one.  That boy didn’t just go through the motions—he was their, present and aware, the whole time, whether they were digging the ditches with shovels or running the dozer—there’s no doubt in my mind that that young boy will be able to do it as well by himself ten years from now.

His daddy talked to him.  He tirelessly explained each thing that they did and why.  Not once in almost two weeks did either of them raise their voices; not once was their any disrespect or” attitude” from man or boy.  And that was six hours a day, side by side, for almost two weeks.

I didn’t learn how to lay a drain field from watching my landlord and his son, but I did learn a lot about talking to a child, and the value of listening as well.  I was reminded too that all of us love those brief, rare moments when we are the center of someone else’s world—to know that we have value—to know that we are loved.

My landlord has learned to both listen and to talk to and with his kids.  Believe me, it makes all the difference in the world.  My granddaughter, whom I’ll call T.T. Bop, has flourished in the two months she’s been here.  It aint been all peaches and cream, but for the most part, she’s still the sweet, open spirit she was as a child.  And she’s strong…stronger than she knows, and I’m so happy to have her back in my life.